A candidate with a real platform series
by Jennifer L. Stevenson
Barbie is running for President.
And you thought you didn’t have a choice this election year.
Consider her qualifications. She’s been an astronaut and aerobics instructor, a doctor and a diplomat. She’s served in every branch of the military.
And when she does say something, she tackles one of the toughest problems facing America, the deficit.
“When Barbie said ‘Math is tough,’ she was clearly recognizing the problems that plague our nation's economy,” Barbie's campaign manager, Ken, said last week.
“She said it would be tough to reduce the deficit. Once again, the liberal media distorted the truth by criticizing her for that statement.”
Ken - a “friend” of Barbie’s for more than 30 years - would neither confirm nor deny whether the two are still dating.
Barbie, who was making a nationwide campaign tour in her pink Corvette last week, could not be reached for comment.
“Absolutely, she'd make a great president,” said Lisa McKendall, from Barbie's campaign headquarters at Mattel Toys in California.
Skipper, Barbie’s younger sister and chief spokeswoman, said the candidate decided to run after a groundswell of support from the nation’s children. She is running as a write-in independent candidate.
Mattel’s McKendall said 2,684 children were polled last summer at Toys ‘R’ Us stores across the country and said Barbie was their top candidate. The Barbie Platform, as it has been dubbed, will reflect the concerns of those children: the environment, world peace, education and racial harmony.
The Barbie Platform also serves another important purpose. Without it, Barbie can’t stand up.
“Barbie has always been a role model for children,” McKendall said. “She's a reflection of women in society. As women become active in politics, Barbie should be, too.”
The Presidential Barbie wears a red suit and carries a white briefcase. Already confident of victory, she also has a red, silver and blue inaugural gown.
“I’m thrilled. No one can lead the country better than Barbie,” said Midge, Barbie's old friend from her retirement home in Boca Raton. “I'm glad a woman is running this year.”
Midge, who knew Barbie in the early years, said no youthful indiscretions ever occurred. “She’s the all-American girl,” Midge said.
Although Barbie is a member of all four military branches, she never served during a war, not even behind combat lines as a nurse - another one of her many jobs.
During Vietnam, her Mattel resume says she worked as a flight attendant. Although she was commissioned a U.S. Air Force pilot in 1990 and a U.S. Navy Petty officer in 1991, she managed to avoid serving in Operation Desert Storm.
“I’ll tell ya, I never saw her when the going got tough,” said G.I. Joe. “Who is this dame anyhow?”
In a major break with Washington tradition, Ken announced Barbie’s inauguration would not be held in the White House, but in Barbie’s own Dream House.
Spokeswoman Skipper declined to speculate on Barbie's running mate.